Originally published in Marriage.com

Flying solo can be an intimate, blissful, and empowered act of love, or it can be painfully isolating and disconnecting. The short answer is that it depends.

The importance of self-pleasure is widely discussed around the world now. At the same time, some people also try to understand how self-pleasure can hurt your relationship.

Is solo sex hurting your relationship? Here is all you need to know.

Importance of self-pleasure

Self-pleasure can be of utmost importance, irrespective of your relationship status. Know more about the importance of self-pleasure.

Self-pleasure as a means of escape

Is solo sex hurting your relationship? Well, not necessarily.

We can all picture a situation where the bedroom is dead, the spark is gone, and both partners quietly take care of themselves, leaving them feeling even more alone and disconnected. The secrecy may spiral into deep shame and hopelessness of not getting their needs met by their partner.

Our society often carries a stigma around self-pleasure. We are taught to do it alone, privately, and discreetly. Pornography is often used for arousal, the dependence on which can lead to addiction, further exacerbating the cycle of shame, secrecy, and isolation. The result is more disconnection.

In this scenario, the self-pleasuring and dead bedroom are not the causes but the symptoms of deeper problems.

Foundations of a healthy sexuality

The foundations of a deep intimate connection include self-responsibility for our feelings, authentic communication without blame, and a willingness to be vulnerable. Without these, deep sexual intimacy can feel unsafe. 

It becomes easier to self-pleasure as an escape rather than to deal with the issues underlying (pun intended) the dead bedroom.  

Is solo sex hurting your relationship? If solo sex stems from a place of disconnect and deep-rooted issues, it may be hurting the relationship.

But if self-pleasure results from intimacy, vulnerability, and authentic connection, it can brighten the spark, excitement, and sexuality of the partnership.

Self-pleasure is not about taking care of our needs and rubbing our orgasms so that we can move on with our day.

In this book by Edmond J Coleman, Walter O Bockting, the authors talk about how self-pleasure can be a means of sexual health.

This research further highlights the role of self-pleasure in healthy sexual development. 

Related Reading: How to Practice Self Love

Self-pleasure as an intimate act of self-love

We are our own best lovers. Solo sex can guide us into ecstatic states of bliss, healing deep wounds of shame, insecurity, and trust. Pleasure is our birthright, whether we practice alone or in partnership.

If we are in partnership and have a strong foundation of openness, responsible communication, and authentic sexual intimacy, self-pleasure can be a very deep and profound practice. We can use it to explore our bodies to guide our partners better.  We can allow our partners to witness us as deeply vulnerable acts in our self-pleasure, strengthening intimacy and connection. Self-pleasuring together can be incredibly exciting and arousing. Solo sex can be an empowered sovereign act within a long-term relationship.

Is solo sex hurting your relationship? Self-pleasuring from a place of authentic connection is very healthy for ourselves and our partnerships.

But solo sex as a means of taking care of yourself because of destitution in the relationship furthers the hurt, loneliness, and distance.

This research highlights the role of self-pleasure in the sexual health of women.

Related Reading: Women Sexual Health- 6 Key Topics to Discuss With Your Partner

Sex is both the barometer and a tool of connection

If intimacy, communication, and presence in a relationship are absent, the sex suffers. It’s hard to engage in an intimate act with someone if there is an underlying current of resentment and blame. 

Is solo sex hurting your relationship? Reliance on solo sex to fill the void in this situation won’t solve the problem. It will make it worse. The rift will widen, and resentment will grow.

If the connection is strong and safe enough to communicate vulnerably; if the sex is satisfying, and both partners feel seen and loved as a general course in the relationship, then self-pleasure is undoubtedly good for the relationship. It’s healthy, natural, and connects us to deep states of internal bliss.

Tips to use self-pleasure to strengthen your relationship

1. We can’t heal what we don’t reveal

If you aren’t having sex with your partner and are relying on taking care of your needs to fill the void, address this problem. 

Work on your sexual disconnection with deeper roots than the bedroom, without blame, shame, or demanding the other to change. Discuss your feelings vulnerably.

Get support through couples ‘ therapy or coaching if it doesn’t feel safe, or you just don’t feel heard or understood. The foundations of healthy partnership manifest in sexuality just as much as any other related aspect.

2. Discuss self-pleasure openly with your partner

Talk about how you do it and when. Ask your partner questions. Get the details. Request demos. Give demos. The conversation may turn hot and pleasantly surprising! Try not to take their answers as a personal attack on your sex life but rather as an exercise in vulnerability that brings you closer.

3. When self-pleasuring, be your best lover

Is solo sex hurting your relationship?

Make love to yourself the way you would want your partner to. Take time. Maybe put on some music, take out a toy, use a sensual lubricant like coconut oil.

Don’t rely on porn to rub out orgasm and be done with it.  

Take your time, touch yourself in the ways you want to be touched. All over your body. Sensually. Connect with yourself and your pleasure. Feel your inner power, your bliss.

Tell your partner all about it.

Related Reading: 5 Tips to Deepen the Sexual Connection in Your Relationship

4. When having sex with your partner, communicate how you like to be pleasured

Vulnerability and openness create channels of trust and safety that allow for deep connection and pleasure. Work on sexuality as a means for connection instead of being a tool for getting your needs met.

5. If shame, secrecy, and addiction fuel your self-pleasure, address these issues

Is solo sex hurting your relationship?

Are you satisfying yourself just to disconnect from your partner? This pattern is unhealthy for you and damaging for the relationship.

All in all, self-pleasure is a beautiful practice of self-love in a relationship when the foundation of the relationship is strong

Related Reading: 10 Steps to Practice Self-love

Conclusion

When solo sex is used to escape the problems and partnered sex is disconnected or absent altogether, it can further the distance in the relationship.

Vulnerability, authentic communication, and self-responsibility are critical in all aspects of the relationship, including our sexuality. Whether in synergy together or in sovereignty alone.