There’s a moment I see in almost every session—and I’ve lived it in my own body too.
Two people who love each other are locked in a familiar dance. One reaches for closeness; the other edges toward the door. Words pile up. The room gets louder or quieter—either way, the nervous system is shouting: “I’m not safe.”
We’re taught there are only two doors: keep the relationship and lose ourselves, or keep ourselves and lose the relationship. There’s a third way—a path where we become more sovereign and, paradoxically, more connected. This is the heart of my work in somatic therapy and Core Energetics here in Washington DC.
A story from the room
A couple sits across from me. One can’t stop talking; the other has gone stone-still. I ask them to pause words and do something odd: both place their feet on the ground and feel ten exhales, longer out than in. We let the silence thicken. Shoulders drop. Color returns to cheeks. The one who went quiet says, “I’m scared.” The talker whispers, “I’m angry and lonely.” We haven’t solved anything yet—but we’ve come back into bodies. And when bodies return, choice returns.
Why it gets so hard
When we’re triggered, the brain doesn’t care about our communication scripts. The empathy center goes offline, the survival center takes the wheel, and the best “tools” feel far away.
So the first move isn’t perfection. It’s return—coming back to the body quickly.
In practice, “return” looks like doing anything different than the pattern: clap, step outside for 60 seconds, switch from water to a sip of juice, touch a doorframe and name five sensations. Novelty breaks the trance just enough for your body to remember: I’m here. I have options.
The two needs underneath
Under every argument live two primal needs:
- Autonomy (sovereignty, “I am me”)
- Connection (belonging, “We are us”)
Most of us were trained to treat them like rivals: if you get closeness, you’ll lose yourself. If you keep yourself, you’ll lose love. In a regulated system, they feed each other. The steadier I am in me, the safer I am to open to you. That’s the third way.
A somatic check-in you can use today
When waves rise, try this sequence. It’s the backbone of my practice:
- Name the primary emotion. (Anger, sadness, fear, or joy.)
- Locate it. Where is it in your body?
- New or familiar? If familiar, it’s bigger than the trash not being taken out.
- How old do I feel? Let your body answer; then love that age.
- Give it one sentence. “I need to know I matter.”
- Return to contact: feel your feet; exhale longer than you inhale for six breaths; soften your jaw and tongue.
Speaking from the “I”
When you finally talk, keep it humble and precise:
- “I notice I’m activated.”
- “I want to own I’m in an old story.”
- “I can circle back in 30 minutes.”
Then use reflective listening. One person speaks; the other repeats back what they heard, then asks, “Did I get that?” Most of us realize we weren’t hearing each other—we were hearing our history. When we feel heard, nervous systems settle.
Move the charge, don’t bottle it
Core Energetics uses structured movement to move charge through and out:
- Anger: stand, feet wide. On an exhale, press your hands into a wall and let sound out.
- Fear: shake your hands, then arms, then legs for a minute. Let the micro-shakes travel up your spine.
- Grief: fold over a pillow and allow three heavy, jaw-soft sob-breaths.
It’s not about “doing it right”; it’s about letting energy move so the body can rejoin the conversation.
What this work is (and isn’t)
It isn’t a three-week hack to “never fight again.” Those trenches in your nervous system were carved over years. This is slower and more honest. It’s not about flawless behavior; it’s about repair—coming back sooner, feeling more, blaming less, and telling the truth with your body in the room. And when it lands, there’s a wide, quiet joy: you say, “I’m scared,” and someone stays. You feel your own spine and your own heart at the same time. That’s the third way.
Interested? Join me next Wednesday
Our next Wednesday workshop—“The Dance of Autonomy & Connection”—is coming up on Wednesday, October 8, 2025 (Online, Zoom, 1 hour). We’ll explore how autonomy and connection strengthen one another, and you’ll leave with somatic tools you can use the same day.
Register Here: https://www.therisingjourney.com/events/
