The Creative Potential for a Fulfilling Life

In our journey through life, one of the most profound experiences we can cultivate is a sense of safety. When we feel safe—both physically and emotionally—we open the floodgates to our creative potential. It's in this state of security that we can truly thrive, paving the way for a life filled with fulfillment and joy.

Safety is not merely the absence of danger

It's a deep-seated sense of peace and well-being that permeates every aspect of our being. When we feel safe, our bodies and minds are free to explore, experiment, and create without fear of judgment or harm.

Imagine a world where you wake up each day feeling secure in your environment, knowing that you are supported and loved. In this space of safety, your creative energy flows effortlessly. You feel a sense of pleasure coursing through your veins, igniting your spirit and inspiring you to action.

When we feel safe, energy moves freely through our system. The blocks that once hindered our progress are dissolved, allowing us to tap into a wellspring of vitality and inspiration. With this newfound energy, we can create with our life force—the very essence of who we are.

Creativity takes many forms. It could be expressing yourself through art, music, writing, or simply living your life authentically. Whatever form it may take, the key is to tap into that creative spark within you and let it guide you towards a better world—for yourself and others.

But how do we cultivate this sense of safety in our lives? It begins by honoring our boundaries and listening to our intuition. When we respect our own limits and trust our instincts, we create a solid foundation for safety to flourish.

Self-care practices also play a crucial role in nurturing safety. Whether it's through meditation, yoga, or simply taking time for ourselves, these activities help us reconnect with our inner selves and cultivate a sense of peace and calm.

In a world that often feels chaotic and uncertain, finding safety can be a revolutionary act. It's a radical declaration that we are worthy of love, respect, and security. And when we dare to embrace safety, we unlock the door to our creative potential and step into a life of limitless possibilities.

So I invite you to reflect on your own relationship with safety.
How can you create more safety in your life?
What practices can you incorporate to nurture a sense of security and well-being?

Remember that safety is not just a destination—it's a way of being. And when you cultivate safety, you unleash the full power of your creativity, paving the way for a life of fulfillment, joy, and abundance.

A Great Lesson from the Jungle

I just came back from a really difficult Dieta in the jungle with Grandfather Tobacco. Dieta is an ancient way to connect and learn from Master Plants, and receive their medicine in a deep and profound way.  In addition to sitting in ceremonies with the grandmother medicine. 

I am so grateful for this work, and to be able to do it through the guidance of the amazing teacher Alonso del Rio, whose intensity is only trumped by his unbounded consciousness, wisdom and love. 

Of course, I just had to work with the most difficult plant available to me. I just had to fast for for seven days, and I had to take all the medicine that was offered to me during ceremonies. It’s how I roll. The most intense thing ever. 

This intensity is my strength, and also my shadow.  It allows me to step into my power, into my YES… but…. It also sets me up quite nicely for victimhood. 

And through all of this intensity, the coming apart, the disequilibrium in the ceremonies, I learned a great lesson. 

 “ It’s through the intensity that you learn how to be gentle with yourself”

The intensity is just a giant mind game. “If I expand the most, I’ll be even better.” It’s just more of the same ‘not-enoughness.’  Taking me out of the present, disconnecting from the real work of simply loving, here and now. 

In the last ceremony, I asked for less medicine. It was so beautiful. I could be with myself, with my heart, with the love.    And it was stronger than ever, because I could actually stay the most present, and work in a GOOD way. 

I can really relate to people jumping form  one medicine to another, this ceremony to that. I see people in crisis situations who don’t want to process their issues in somatic therapy, but sign up to take medicine at any cost. I feel it. 

There is this intensity that we chase. But really, the intensity bypasses the reality. The infinitely subtle reality of our existence, our self expression, our feelings and consciousness.  

We can fall into the exact same patterns on the medicine journey as we do in our day to day lives. And if we aren’t conscious of it, we absolutely will.  Just chasing intense experiences. 

This is why I do so so much personal work in the form of process groups, individual therapy, supervision, etc. In combination with my medicine journey. Otherwise, it is so easy for old mind patterns to quietly take over and  make stories out of medicine.  

In my experience, the therapeutic work of opening is absolutely essential on the medicine journey of increasing the amount of energy (love) we can contain in our bodies. Without it, it is so easy to become ungrounded. Which is why I am being called to offer medicine integrated with deep internal somatic process.  

Is Solo Sex Hurting Your Relationship?

Originally published in Marriage.com

Flying solo can be an intimate, blissful, and empowered act of love, or it can be painfully isolating and disconnecting. The short answer is that it depends.

The importance of self-pleasure is widely discussed around the world now. At the same time, some people also try to understand how self-pleasure can hurt your relationship.

Is solo sex hurting your relationship? Here is all you need to know.

Importance of self-pleasure

Self-pleasure can be of utmost importance, irrespective of your relationship status. Know more about the importance of self-pleasure.

Self-pleasure as a means of escape

Is solo sex hurting your relationship? Well, not necessarily.

We can all picture a situation where the bedroom is dead, the spark is gone, and both partners quietly take care of themselves, leaving them feeling even more alone and disconnected. The secrecy may spiral into deep shame and hopelessness of not getting their needs met by their partner.

Our society often carries a stigma around self-pleasure. We are taught to do it alone, privately, and discreetly. Pornography is often used for arousal, the dependence on which can lead to addiction, further exacerbating the cycle of shame, secrecy, and isolation. The result is more disconnection.

In this scenario, the self-pleasuring and dead bedroom are not the causes but the symptoms of deeper problems.

Foundations of a healthy sexuality

The foundations of a deep intimate connection include self-responsibility for our feelings, authentic communication without blame, and a willingness to be vulnerable. Without these, deep sexual intimacy can feel unsafe. 

It becomes easier to self-pleasure as an escape rather than to deal with the issues underlying (pun intended) the dead bedroom.  

Is solo sex hurting your relationship? If solo sex stems from a place of disconnect and deep-rooted issues, it may be hurting the relationship.

But if self-pleasure results from intimacy, vulnerability, and authentic connection, it can brighten the spark, excitement, and sexuality of the partnership.

Self-pleasure is not about taking care of our needs and rubbing our orgasms so that we can move on with our day.

In this book by Edmond J Coleman, Walter O Bockting, the authors talk about how self-pleasure can be a means of sexual health.

This research further highlights the role of self-pleasure in healthy sexual development. 

Related Reading: How to Practice Self Love

Self-pleasure as an intimate act of self-love

We are our own best lovers. Solo sex can guide us into ecstatic states of bliss, healing deep wounds of shame, insecurity, and trust. Pleasure is our birthright, whether we practice alone or in partnership.

If we are in partnership and have a strong foundation of openness, responsible communication, and authentic sexual intimacy, self-pleasure can be a very deep and profound practice. We can use it to explore our bodies to guide our partners better.  We can allow our partners to witness us as deeply vulnerable acts in our self-pleasure, strengthening intimacy and connection. Self-pleasuring together can be incredibly exciting and arousing. Solo sex can be an empowered sovereign act within a long-term relationship.

Is solo sex hurting your relationship? Self-pleasuring from a place of authentic connection is very healthy for ourselves and our partnerships.

But solo sex as a means of taking care of yourself because of destitution in the relationship furthers the hurt, loneliness, and distance.

This research highlights the role of self-pleasure in the sexual health of women.

Related Reading: Women Sexual Health- 6 Key Topics to Discuss With Your Partner

Sex is both the barometer and a tool of connection

If intimacy, communication, and presence in a relationship are absent, the sex suffers. It’s hard to engage in an intimate act with someone if there is an underlying current of resentment and blame. 

Is solo sex hurting your relationship? Reliance on solo sex to fill the void in this situation won’t solve the problem. It will make it worse. The rift will widen, and resentment will grow.

If the connection is strong and safe enough to communicate vulnerably; if the sex is satisfying, and both partners feel seen and loved as a general course in the relationship, then self-pleasure is undoubtedly good for the relationship. It’s healthy, natural, and connects us to deep states of internal bliss.

Tips to use self-pleasure to strengthen your relationship

1. We can’t heal what we don’t reveal

If you aren’t having sex with your partner and are relying on taking care of your needs to fill the void, address this problem. 

Work on your sexual disconnection with deeper roots than the bedroom, without blame, shame, or demanding the other to change. Discuss your feelings vulnerably.

Get support through couples ‘ therapy or coaching if it doesn’t feel safe, or you just don’t feel heard or understood. The foundations of healthy partnership manifest in sexuality just as much as any other related aspect.

2. Discuss self-pleasure openly with your partner

Talk about how you do it and when. Ask your partner questions. Get the details. Request demos. Give demos. The conversation may turn hot and pleasantly surprising! Try not to take their answers as a personal attack on your sex life but rather as an exercise in vulnerability that brings you closer.

3. When self-pleasuring, be your best lover

Is solo sex hurting your relationship?

Make love to yourself the way you would want your partner to. Take time. Maybe put on some music, take out a toy, use a sensual lubricant like coconut oil.

Don’t rely on porn to rub out orgasm and be done with it.  

Take your time, touch yourself in the ways you want to be touched. All over your body. Sensually. Connect with yourself and your pleasure. Feel your inner power, your bliss.

Tell your partner all about it.

Related Reading: 5 Tips to Deepen the Sexual Connection in Your Relationship

4. When having sex with your partner, communicate how you like to be pleasured

Vulnerability and openness create channels of trust and safety that allow for deep connection and pleasure. Work on sexuality as a means for connection instead of being a tool for getting your needs met.

5. If shame, secrecy, and addiction fuel your self-pleasure, address these issues

Is solo sex hurting your relationship?

Are you satisfying yourself just to disconnect from your partner? This pattern is unhealthy for you and damaging for the relationship.

All in all, self-pleasure is a beautiful practice of self-love in a relationship when the foundation of the relationship is strong

Related Reading: 10 Steps to Practice Self-love

Conclusion

When solo sex is used to escape the problems and partnered sex is disconnected or absent altogether, it can further the distance in the relationship.

Vulnerability, authentic communication, and self-responsibility are critical in all aspects of the relationship, including our sexuality. Whether in synergy together or in sovereignty alone.

7 Signs you’re Stuck in an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship Trap.

Originally published in The Elephant Journal here.

One of the biggest challenges most people face in feeling met, seen, and loved in relationships is the unhealthy, shadow-based, and often unconscious dynamic of the anxious-avoidant trap.

What is it? It is basically when one person is perceived as “not enough,” and the other as “too much.” When one pulls away as a strategy in getting their needs met, and the other grasps for that same reason.

This is a self-fulfilling prophecy that can take on many different flavors, but it always creates one thing only: distance.

If we keep on attracting the same types of relationships—that have eerily similar beginnings and endings—chances are we may be stuck in an anxious-avoidant trap. Even in long-term relationships, the anxious-avoidant trap can be alive and running the show; it’s just that instead of a breakup, distance and dissatisfaction continue to grow.

Here are some signs you may be in stuck in this unhealthy relating cycle:

1. The relationship starts out with intense chemistry. Who doesn’t love chemistry and values it at the top of their relationship must-have needs? Of course, it is essential; let’s not kid ourselves! But in the anxious-avoidant cycle, the instant chemistry takes on a special, immediate, and urgent-like quality. There is this “this is it!” tonality from the start that clouds our perception of red flags, general characteristics of the personal we are just getting to know, and pretty much any rationality.

2. After some time, the relationship adopts a polarity of “more/less.” Basically, one person needs more from their partner (why are they not replying to my messages!), and the other person wants less (I need some space).

3. This dynamic feels familiar. This isn’t the first time that this happens, and we are not quite sure why. It’s the old pattern—the story of our relationship career. Somehow, we always end up being attracted to those who can’t fully meet our needs. And the ones who can meet our needs, well, either we’re not attracted to them, or they are not available to us.

4. If you are in the anxious polarity, your partner starts occupying the bigger portion of your brain space. Cyclical mental activity about how amazing they are, combined with negative emotions about how (and why) they are not meeting your needs, distracts us from life’s other important events and relationships. This obsessive-like quality of the thoughts leads to the need for regular reassurance and validation of the relationship from the other.

5. If you gravitate toward the avoidant side, questioning the relationship becomes a dominant mental loop. “Is this what I really want?” “Am I ready for this?” “Is this the right person for me?” The avoidant partner starts to feel overwhelmed and suffocated. Suddenly, their relationship partner does not appear as incredibly amazing as before, and distance replaces the feeling of mind-blowing chemistry.

6. The distance leads to the end of the relationship, and for the partner on the “anxious” polarity, there are deep emotions around the questions of “what happened” and “why.” Thoughts start cycling around what could have been done differently to avoid the tragic fallout. It seems like this person was amazing and cannot be replaced. The negative qualities or red flags of the partner are completely overlooked.

7. For the partner who is on the avoidant end, the end of the relationship at first brings on a wave of relief. A sense of “now there is space for me.” This sense of freedom, however, is quickly replaced by a feeling of deep, familiar sadness of not being able to find someone who can truly meet their needs.

Although we tend to gravitate toward either the anxious or avoidant sides as a pattern, we can end up on either end of the spectrum, depending on the relationship. Most of us can probably recall situations where our inner avoidant or our inner anxious came out and ran the show. Truth is, both of these point to insecure attachment style, which is rooted in deep childhood wounding.

Only when we take the risk to do things differently, do we actually get results that are, well, different. Unless we do the work to unpack and heal our repetitive relationship patterns that do not serve us, they won’t change.

Your Partner doesn’t “Just Know”—3 Ways to Express our Needs for a more Fulfilling Relationship.

Originally published in The Elephant Journal here.

Assuming our partner “just knows” is a trap.

When we enter into long-term relationships, it is easy to automatically assume that our partner knows exactly what we need to feel fulfilled, seen, and loved. As if clairvoyance is part of the package. And while it very well could be in some cases, it’s probably just icing on the cake.

Assuming our partner “must know” is a setup for disappointment. Even if they know sometimes, they can’t know all the time. And unless we properly express our needs, it’s never going to be enough.

Growing up, I remember the “I shouldn’t have to ask you” phrase being pulled on me when I failed to do something that was expected of me but not well communicated. I felt like a failure. I felt small.

And surprise, it made me want to show up and do things even less.

Clearly expressing our needs, in all areas of our relationship, is absolutely fundamental for a relationship to thrive in intimacy, authenticity, and deep connection. This applies to sex, taking out the garbage, and birthday celebrations alike.

It can feel incredibly vulnerable to express our needs from the place of “I,” instead of making it all about the other person. Talking about our feelings without blaming or shaming can be scary, but it works wonders to bring us closer together and, ultimately, get our needs met.

The issue is that most of us never actually learned how to voice our needs as children, so we continue to play out the same patterns over and over, often feeling unloved when things don’t go our way.

As children, we associate love with getting our needs met, primarily when it comes to emotional and physical safety. If early on, the need for emotional safety somehow doesn’t get met, that experience of not being loved can feel like a death, and the child will do anything to not feel this gut-wrenching sensation again.

Over time, the child develops strategies to repress or mask the needs, in an effort to feel loved and connected. Maybe they learned it’s best to stay quiet. Or maybe they needed to be overly dramatic to be heard. Perhaps people pleasing, being good, and repressing their emotions was what it took to feel validated. All of these are different flavors of the same story: “How do I need to show up in the world to get love?”

And as adults, we continue to deploy our old childhood strategies, even if they never quite work.

From the place of this mask, expressing our authentic, intimate feelings and needs is risky. Because for the inner child, rejection is our biggest trigger. So we stay quiet, yet we expect our partners to “just get it” and meet our needs. We then feel unloved if they don’t. And despite our best efforts to feel loved, this only creates more distance.

It’s so easy to fall into this place of smallness when we don’t feel loved because our needs are not met. It becomes a self-perpetuating cycle of victim mentality. We don’t express our needs, so our needs don’t get met, and then we feel unloved and unseen. From this place of smallness, we hold back from expressing our needs even more. Rinse and repeat.

But learning to express our needs authentically is what fosters deep connection, intimacy, and trust. Yes, it’s incredibly vulnerable at times, but it works!

Here are three simple steps to help us clearly express our needs and feelings to our partner:

1. Connect to your primary emotions.

Feelings can be confusing and unpleasant, but they guide us home. There are four primary emotions: fear, anger, sadness, and joy. At any moment, we are experiencing one or a combination of these emotions, but most often we are not aware. When we connect to our feelings, we can connect deeper to our needs, take care of our inner child, and tap into a higher self-awareness.

2. When expressing your needs to your partner, talk about you and your feelings, not them.

“I love soft caresses on my neck” is more inviting than “touch me softer.”

“I would feel really loved if we took a trip for my birthday” will get you much farther than staying quiet and then getting disappointed when your partner can’t read your mind.

“I’m feeling really overwhelmed about the dirty kitchen. Can you help me tidy it up so that we can have time to connect after?” will gain more than complaining about them not doing enough.

3. Don’t blame, shame, or guilt your partner for not meeting your needs.

Attacking or invalidating the other most often leads to defensiveness on their part, which will further the distance, hurt, and disconnect on both sides. Remember, everyone wants to feel loved.

Remember, authentic and vulnerable expression of needs supports intimacy and connection. Staying small and quiet, hoping the other person “just gets it,” only perpetuates the distance between you.

8 Life Lessons from my Divorce.

Originally published in The Elephant Journal here.

Never in a million years did I imagine I would end up divorced.

Marriage, kids, a life together, it seemed like I had it all. Until slowly, I realized how unhappy I was, how small I felt, and how unhealthy the dynamic was for all of us, including our kids.

It all unraveled and fell apart despite my best efforts. At the time, it felt like death, and in a way, it was.

Now, three years on, I take stock of the lessons I learned from my divorce—this cataclysmic shift in my life:

1. Pain can propel growth if we allow it.

Whether we like it or not, pain forces us to feel, and the feelings guide us home and into powerful transformation. I could have numbed the pain, but choosing to feel it allowed me to confront many of my own shadows and move through them. The pain can be a source of powerful transformation—let’s not be afraid to feel the fire of transformation!

2. Putting one foot in front of the other can traverse miles.

Sometimes there are no good decisions, and the vision is blurred. When going through the dark tunnel of divorce, it was easy to get overwhelmed, not knowing what the end result would be. Would I end up better or worse off? Learning to break down big problems into small steps—the daily, weekly choices that feel aligned—helped me to process, see the big picture, and come out stronger.

3. Getting help is essential.

Life is like a ladder. We all need help to go higher, and we can also pull others up from the rung below. There is so much societal pressure to not show our pain, to keep it all looking pretty on the surface. I kept so much tucked away, and yet every time I asked for help, a burden was lifted. Opening up to trusted friends and hiring a therapist was a lifeline. Most often, all we need to self-regulate and feel better is to feel seen and heard. I learned that showing up as I am, with all of my stuff, makes me feel more connected to others.

4. Investing in ourselves.

Hands down, the best money and time I’ve ever spent has been on personal healing and growth. My divorce has taught me to invest in myself, because not only do I feel happier in my life, but I feel more empowered to make changes that allow for more joy, connection, and abundance. Investing in yourself is a paradigm shift away from staying small.

5. There are no wrong decisions. Ever.

No matter how hard the current situation is and how awful the choices that led to it may seem, they were not wrong. I now see everything in my life as an opportunity for growth and change, especially the hard stuff. We are always doing the best that we can within our circumstances. I’ve learned to forgive myself again and again and to be grateful for all the choices that led me to this place of choosing growth.

6. We repeat the old relating patterns until we do the work to stop.

It’s a hard pill to swallow, but until we do the hard work of facing and moving through our wounding, the same pain points are going to show up in relationships, no matter how hard we try to pick a different person.

We were wired from a young age to relate and get our needs met in a certain way. And we rinse/repeat in unconscious cycles, wondering why our “picker is off.” It’s not about the other person; it’s all inside us. It’s about doing the work—hiring a therapist, a coach, going to training shifts our patterns. No one else can do it for us.

7. Taking responsibility for everything in our life.

It’s easy to blame the other person for the pain we feel—for the unhappiness in our lives. If only they change, it will be better. This cycle of blaming and shaming the other only perpetuates our own unhappiness and leaves us stuck in a victimhood mentality.

We are not victims; we are sovereign beings, and our happiness is in our own hands. When we start taking responsibility for our lives, we take back our power to create our lives on purpose.

8. It’s never too late for anything.

Career change at 36? Best decision ever. Singing lessons at 39 for the first time in my life? Absolutely. A new relationship that supports my personal growth, and is what I broadly imagined for myself as a young adult? I found it.

The most important lesson I learned is that it’s never too late to do things differently: to show up for myself, to make amends, to create, to learn, to love.

In fact, it is only when we grow and expand that life slows down, opens up, and magic starts flowing.

Our lives are the most precious gift we have, and all endings lead to new beginnings. Always.